An Answer in a Time of Struggle

By Tosha Morris

During my son Gavin’s two-year battle with stage 4 Neuroblastoma, a childhood cancer involving the sympathetic nervous system, I had kept faith and hope stronger than ever before in my life. God carried me every single day through the trials, triumphs, decisions and defeats. Though most days while Gavin was ill were far from pleasant or easy, every morning we still thanked God for another beautiful day.

Rejecting God in the most difficult time of my life was something I never imagined I would do. God is deeply committed to us.  Yet at the same time, we can reject His outstretched arms so quickly. However, I found myself doing just that – rejecting God’s promise when I needed His reassurance the most.

Before Gavin had his life-ending stroke, I could have professed my faith and my son’s deliverance from his disease—but that quickly changed.  My four-and-a-half-year-old son lay unresponsive after his stroke for eleven days before he died. The pain, agony, anger, sadness, torture, wonder, doubt, grief, stress and despair I felt while laying by his side were simply unbearable. The amount of stress those days held for me were not compatible with life. I felt responsible, hopeless, and disappointed in myself as a mother and questioned every decision I had made for Gavin and my family.

The last days of Gavin’s life, I found myself desperately digging for answers, hope, and reassurance. I had called on friends, the chaplain, and lastly to God for the explanation I was seeking. I simply had one question: I had read in Psalms 91:3 that God would deliver us from pestilence and I wanted to know how He was going to do that for my son. In my precarious state, I could not make sense of this promise that I so painfully wanted to confide in.

The days intensified as I began questioning actions that were taken and decisions that were made. Doubt consumed my mind in every aspect. That is, until I finally turned to God and surrendered. I cried out and prayed to Him as I read from a book of God’s protection that a dear friend had sent me.  John 3:16, Romans 6:23, Romans 10:9, Psalms 91, and Romans 8:26 were all listed in the summary. It wasn’t until I finally submitted my heart to the ultimate Physician that I was able to understand. Moments later, the Lord took Gavin’s life and used it for His glory. Gavin was in fact delivered from pestilence all along, and at that moment, he and I both became free. Forever and ever, amen.